Because you’re not old, you spent your early years watching real action movies (you know, made with real green-screen effects, not the primitive camera work). James Bond from the 80’s doesn’t look as cool as the new version, and neither does the original Star Wars series. Either that, or you just don’t care that much about the new record-setting movie but still want to get it.
Well, here we’ll explain the characters in a way every high schooler can relate to:
Han Solo/Gym Teacher
He’s the cool guy, the loose cannon, the jock who never really left high school. He’s been here before, guys.
He played varsity football and can’t stop reliving the state playoffs in ‘86, so now he coaches the same team. He always seeks out a protegé (see: Brotegé) to make him feel young again. If you fist-bump him and don’t cause too much trouble, you get an A. It’s the way of the galaxy.
This cute little droid from the movie can best be described as the one who teaches higher math. The information it holds is sacred, and the key to the universe (your GPA). Its excited movements and constant spewing of beeps and boops happen so fast that all you can do is just nod and pretend like you understand. You don’t really need an R2-D2 to understand its language, though. With the right information in the right hands at the right time, you can unlock the secret to derivatives and gain a step on the exam.
General Hux/Hall Monitor
Wow, this guy sucks. Fueled by a Draconian desire to maintain control over the walkways, this snitch can take the form of student and/or teacher. He recruits storm troopers to sniff the hallways in search of mischievous activity. He makes contrived speeches over the PA on the importance of returning to class immediately during bathroom breaks. He is the boss, and don’t you dare tell him otherwise.
Poe Dameron/After School Tutor
This guy, on the other hand, is awesome. He has an uncanny understanding of BB-8’s jargon, and can translate it to you coherently. He’s so freakingpositive and friendly that you feel confident in your abilities to operate a space flying mechanism/complete the homework problem set.
He’s the master, and yet uses his skills to help others and benefit the universe. There’s not a negative bone in his body.
You the real MVP, Poe.
She’s young, hip, drives a sick car and understands memes. She just got her Master’s and is unsure about the next step in her life.
Some smart guy tried to throw her off her game because she’s supposed to be a clueless sub, but she made fun of him and everyone laughed.
She has tons of random skills and wisdom from going through college so she gives eye-opening lessons on life and love. But she also wields an unspeakable power over the lesson plan and teaches everyone the material without them even knowing it. Wait, how did she do that?
Chewbacca/Foreign Language Teacher
What did he just say?